When I am King of the World

When I am King of the World…

Any names that make you sound like you’re named after a pharmaceutical company or a video game will be stricken. Therefore, Plaxico Burress and Atari Bigbee will need to be re-named. All replacement names will be of former ABA players, and if that means we wind up with multiple Ticky Burdens or Dave Twardziks, so be it.

Singers won’t be allowed to act; nor actors to sing. Pick one, and stick to it.

There will be a STRICT four-penny limit on the "take a penny, leave a penny" tray. I mean, after four, you're dealing with nickels, not pennies.

U.S. citizenship will be open to anyone who is willing to wait in line for two days at a DMV and sing “The Oscar Meyer Weiner Song.” But you only get one shot at the song, and you have to get all the lyrics right.

The national anthem will change every four years, coinciding with midterm Congressional elections. We’ll start off with the theme from Shaft as performed by Sammy Davis Jr., and put it to an electoral process after that.

If anyone EVER identifies themselves as being affiliated with ANY “reality TV show” (i.e. “I’m Bob from Survivor.”), you are legally allowed to punch them square in the nuts.


Remember how the Arkansas Razorback used to be cool when it was the GIANT logo on the floor of their basketball court? Well, now everyone’s got a giant logo. Screw that. They all gotta go back to normal-sized logos—except Arkansas. They keep the giant Razorback.

All golf courses (save one) will be immediately replaced with giant bakeries. Every day, everyone will get fresh donuts delivered to their doorstep, just like the newspaper. As corollaries…
• All people freaking out over losing all those golf-oriented jobs need not worry. Those jobs will be converted to bakery and delivery jobs.
• The ONE golf course left will have a once-yearly tournament with nothing but guys in college mascot costumes, just like those cool Capital One College Mascot Tournament commercials.
• The Syracuse Orange will NOT be allowed to participate.
• Tiger Woods, I guess, will have to go get a real job.

Economic stimulus package #1: We take that giant bull on Wall Street and make it coin-operated! 25 cents, you get to ride it for a minute.

Economic stimulus package #2: Free chili fries every Thursday!

Units of measurement that really aren’t official but that I think sound cool are now official. Therefore “nigh on to a mile” is now officially a mile, no matter how close/far that “nigh on” is. And we’ll measure short distances in ax handles. Example: “Man, that chick has a big butt! Her ass is two ax handles wide!”

Jim McLauchlin

Next: Not sure. I'll think of sumpthin'.